You Get Unwanted Advice

Another excerpt from "What to Ask When You Don't Know What to Say," by Sam Deep and Lyle Sussman:

One of the most freely given gifts is opinion. Where you work, people are unusually generous. Your coworkers give you their ideas on how they think the work in your area could be improved all the time.

You certainly don't mind new ideas; you're as interested as anyone in finding better ways of doing things. You just wish others would follow your habit of asking people if they'd like to hear your idea before you thrust it on them. But you recognize that any sort of a defensive reaction will label you as closed-minded.

What to Ask: "If I Get the Chance to Actually Try Your Advice, Do I have Your Permission to Use It?"

This question should set back the unwanted adviser, especially if you emphasize the words "actually try." The reaction is likely to be a quizzically emphatic "Of course," to which you respond with a firmly pleasant "Thank you." The message ("Keep your ideas to yourself") may not get through the first time, but if won't take too many
repetitions to get the desired results.

Before you use this question, ask yourself why the advice troubles you. Is your colleague truly being overbearing, or are you threatened by and not open to the ideas of others?

What to Ask: "Do I Give You the Impression of Being Ineffective in My Work?"

The answer is almost certain to be a bewildered, "No. Why would you say that?" This gives you the opportunity to say, "Well, all the unsolicited advice I get around here makes me wonder." Then proceed to give some of the most offending examples of unsolicited advice you have been given. If you mix some of what you've received from this person with that from others, this person will not feel singled out for attack.

What to Ask: "How Do You Feel When You Believe That Other People Are Telling You How to Do Your Job?"

If you hear something such as, "Lousy," say you feel the same about unsolicited advice, especially when you find it to be excessive. If the person doesn't get the message, say, "I even felt a little that way when you ..."

If you hear, "It doesn't bother me at all," respond with, "It doesn't bother me either. In fact, I welcome it, except when ..." Complete this sentence with whatever is appropriate to this situation. You might choose to talk about an offensive or condescending tone you hear in the advice, you might comment on the excessive amount of it, or you might describe distasteful behavior on the other person's part when you fail to use the advice.