Resetting Conversations
I recently had a WONDEFUL experience with an organization I'm doing a little business with. Today, though, I got an email from a professional acquaintance who shared an absolutely HORRIBLE experience with the very same organization. How curious. Yet it happens.
From the thread of emails my acquaintance sent me, it was pretty clear that things were going from bad to worse - poste haste. Which they did. It reminded me of that old saying, "When you find yourself digging yourself a hole, put down the shovel." Neither party wanted to give in, neither party wanted to be wrong, neither party was willing to reset the conversation to get it back on track.
Resetting is a very powerful tool for saving conversations-gone-awry. You either clarify something you said, or ask about something said to you to bring the conversation back to, well, conversational terms. So often messy convesations occur because they morph into two separate conversations happending at the same time - the one that you're having with the person you're with, and the one the person your with is having with you. You get aggravated because they're not acknowledging your point - they're too busy saying something irrelevant. But here's the thing - the same thing could be said of you by them.
It's hard to notice it happening in our own interactions. We can certainly FEEL the aggravation - during AND afterwards -but it's not so easy to notice it as it's STARTING to happen. But that's when we need to notice it most if we want to do something constructive about it.
Here's an exercise: Start noticing when it happens in conversations that DON'T include you. Watch what starts it? Who said what? Listen to what happens next? Watch the non-verbals. Feel the tension. Quietly observe. Then, ask yourself what each of the parties might say if they truly wanted to put down their shovels. Consider what they each might ask if they truly wanted to reset the conversation.
Noticing behaviors in others is a great way to sensitize yourself to how you might handle similar circumstances. Knowing what others COULD say and ask often provides us with the wherewithal to say and ask them ourselves.
Try it.
From the thread of emails my acquaintance sent me, it was pretty clear that things were going from bad to worse - poste haste. Which they did. It reminded me of that old saying, "When you find yourself digging yourself a hole, put down the shovel." Neither party wanted to give in, neither party wanted to be wrong, neither party was willing to reset the conversation to get it back on track.
Resetting is a very powerful tool for saving conversations-gone-awry. You either clarify something you said, or ask about something said to you to bring the conversation back to, well, conversational terms. So often messy convesations occur because they morph into two separate conversations happending at the same time - the one that you're having with the person you're with, and the one the person your with is having with you. You get aggravated because they're not acknowledging your point - they're too busy saying something irrelevant. But here's the thing - the same thing could be said of you by them.
It's hard to notice it happening in our own interactions. We can certainly FEEL the aggravation - during AND afterwards -but it's not so easy to notice it as it's STARTING to happen. But that's when we need to notice it most if we want to do something constructive about it.
Here's an exercise: Start noticing when it happens in conversations that DON'T include you. Watch what starts it? Who said what? Listen to what happens next? Watch the non-verbals. Feel the tension. Quietly observe. Then, ask yourself what each of the parties might say if they truly wanted to put down their shovels. Consider what they each might ask if they truly wanted to reset the conversation.
Noticing behaviors in others is a great way to sensitize yourself to how you might handle similar circumstances. Knowing what others COULD say and ask often provides us with the wherewithal to say and ask them ourselves.
Try it.
posted by Barry Zweibel at 12:49 PM
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