4qtr2007 - Article Review - The Real Reason People Won't Change

Article Review: The Real Reason People Won’t Change
Robert Kegan And Lisa Laskow Lahey
Harvard Business Review (reprint R0110E)

So what is the real reason people won’t change? To bottom line it,

"It’s a psychological dynamic called a “competing commitment,” and until managers understand how it works and the ways to overcome it, they can’t do a
thing about change-resistant employees."

When people resist change, it’s not necessarily because they’re opposed to it. It’s not even necessarily because they’re lazy or inattentive to it, either. Rather, it’s because they have one or more hidden beliefs that directly conflict with them working toward meaningful change.

Example:

People often don’t collaborate even though they truly believe in teamwork. Why? Because they’re also dedicated to avoiding the confrontations that are typically intrinsic to any team-based activity. So, push come to shove, they never fully engage in the collaborative process for fear of that probable confrontation and what that means to them.

Oftentimes, though, it’s not readily apparent what the conflict is – or that a conflict even exists. So to unwind things, the authors have developed an interesting three-stage process to help figure out what’s in the way:

1. Through a series of key questions, managers can guide employees to uncover any competing commitments.
2. Employees can then examine these competing commitments to determine the Underlying Assumptions inherent in them.
3. Based on this new awareness, employees can then start changing their behaviors accordingly.

Uncovering Competing Commitments

The key questions recommended for guiding the uncovering process are as follows:

1. What would you like to see changed at work, so that you could be more effective or so that work would be more satisfying?
2. What commitments does your complaint imply?
3. What are you doing, or not doing, that is keeping your commitment from being more fully realized?
4. If you imagine doing the opposite of the undermining behavior, do you detect in yourself any discomfort, worry, or vague fear?
5. By engaging in this undermining behavior, what worrisome outcomes are you committed to preventing?

It’s important to realize that competing commitments do not necessarily reflect weakness or incompetence on anyone’s part. So, managers, don’t go there. Competing commitments are merely just a form of self-protection, and in that context, they make total sense. (e.g. If you want to avoid confrontation, avoid collaboration because collaboration results in confrontation.) Of course the follow-up question to ask is this: What are you protecting yourself from? What are you assuming will happen as a result of a confrontation?

Interestingly, once people start looking at things this way, it’s fairly easy for them to identify (and admit) what they are protecting themselves from. And once they identify that, most are ready to take some immediate action to overcome it.

But the authors suggest that a manager not press for behavioral change just yet. Rather, managers should encourage the employee to first notice his/her current behavior in light of now knowing about his/her competing commitments, Underlying Assumptions, and self-protecting mechanisms. That way, s/he can also look for what I like to call irrefutable evidence that their long-held assumptions might no longer be valid. (Who hasn’t found that a type of food they once thought they didn’t like was actually quite tasty?!) This can open whole new world of possibility for someone as one can use this as an opportunity to reflect on what caused these specific protection mechanisms to be created in the first place.

Understanding the circumstances that created the Underlying Assumptions can be very helpful in freeing oneself from them. And from there, meaningful change is not only doable, but often preferred to the status quo.

4qtr2007 - Authentically Munch

According to NYMag.com, Law & Order character, Detective John Munch, “is the longest-running character on any American drama still on the air. What's more … [since January 1993] the aforementioned Detective Munch has appeared in no less than nine different television shows.”

For you trivia fans, the nine shows are:

1. Law & Order
2. Law & Order Special Victims Unit
3. Sesame Street (my personal favorite!)
4. Arrested Development
5. Law & Order: Trial by Jury
6. The Beat
7. Homicide: Life on the Street
8. The X Files
9. The Lone Gunmen

What’s particularly interesting to me – aside from being a long time Belzer fan – is that it speaks to a frequent life coach topic: Authenticity.

It’s one thing to show up. Indeed, as Woody Allen says, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” Authenticity, though, speaks to how we show up. Munch is very consistent in that regard. “I yam what I yam,” both he and Popeye the Sailorman would both say, albeit with slightly different affects.

Munch – and Popeye, for that matter – has a definite personality. But authenticity is more than just personality. Authenticity is about being completely comfortable in one’s own skin without fear of what others might think, and without need to unduly impress anyone with it.

So how does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin without fear of what others might think? And how does one avoid overdoing the whole authenticity thing?

Step One – Realize that you have a right to be comfortable in your own skin. We really do have that right, you know, – We yam who we yam?! – even if it feels completely unbelievable at times. Authenticity is about “showing up” as who we are, not just as some cardboard cutout of who we think we should be. Surely Detective Munch would agree – and he’s not even a real person!

Step Two – Own your skin. Feel what it’s like. Note what works for you, and what doesn’t. Understand what makes it easier for you to just be yourself, as well as what makes it more difficult. Look for patterns and explanations, and how they all might interrelate.

Step Three: Actively calibrate. Something helpful to remember about becoming more comfortable in your own skin is that you really don’t need to get it exactly right at first, you just need to understand what types of things will move you closer to, or farther away from, it so you can calibrate accordingly.

Here’s a fun game to practice calibrating: Pick a number between one and 100; ask someone to guess it; when they do, tell them only to guess higher, or lower, until they get it exactly right; count how many guesses it takes for them to get it exactly right. This is how we work toward homeostasis – when we guess too high, we back it off a bit, and when we guess to low, we up it from there.

As with home heating and cooling, sometimes we need to heat up how we’re interacting with the world, sometimes we need to cool it down a bit, and sometimes, Goldilocks, it’s just right. And each little calibration helps.

A word of warning: Some people confuse comfort in their own skin with vanity, as if to say, “Look how authentic I’m being!” The ultimate litmus, then, is this: If you’re ego is what’s really loving how well you calibrate, there’s likely still more work to do. But if your heart loves it, then you’re likely on the right track.

Detective Munch already understands that – as do his writers.

4tr2007 - Ask the Coach: A Whiter Shade of Pale

Question: Barry, I'm so frustrated. Try as I might to see things otherwise, I’m such a Black and White thinker. What can I do to open my eyes to other possibilities when problem-solving?

Answer: Here’s something that often helps the B&W types: Shades of grey!

Seriously, anyone who’s able to discern black from white, as you are, certainly understands that what they’re discerning from is actually shades of grey. If you allow yourself to play with that notion a bit you’ll soon likely notice that you already see other possibilities – you’re just discounting them a bit prematurely, that’s all.

A good question to ask is this: “Okay, I see the black and white of it all, but what are some of the grey tones I’m also seeing? “

Too, it’s often helpful to look at the whiter side of the spectrum. Did you know, for instance, that there are about a zillion shades in the white palette?! Here, courtesy of Benjamin Moore, (http://www.benjaminmoore.ca/colours/offwhite.aspx) is quite a few of them.

Of course the deeper issue has nothing to do with colors at all really – although a nice Bordeaux Red / Dill Weed Green combination is quite smart-looking for the coming cooler months! What’s really needed here is a way to expand your thinking in a way that encourages your creativity to kick in.

An approach that’s often helpful in getting things going is the pick-a-metaphor-and-go game. It works like this:

1. Close your eyes, take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
2. Open your eyes and allow them to settle on something/anything.
3. That something is the metaphor you can use to stimulate your creativity.

Example #1: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on your backyard. Stoke your creativity by asking some imaginative questions like theses:

• Thinking about that idea I’ve been struggling with, what part could clearly use a little more watering?!
• All things being equal, what parts need to be mown or trimmed a bit?!
• What would make my idea that much more lush and green?!

Example #2: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on your kitchen freezer. Stoke your creativity by asking some off-the-wall questions like theses:

• My current idea is too vanilla so what would adding a nice chocolate mocha fudge swirl do to it?!
• For that matter, what would turn the whole thing into a delicious banana split sundae?!
• And what little something extra could I add to my idea as a cherry on top?

Example #3: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on a yellow highlighter sitting on your desk. Stoke your creativity by asking some silly-little questions like theses:

• What parts of my idea do I want to particularly highlight for others?
• Given that the color yellow is sometimes associated with cowardice and other times associated with peace and happiness, what part of my idea makes me the most nervous, and what do I need to modify to make me happier with it?
• How might the impact of my idea change if I changed its color or some other physical attribute?

While the pick-a-metaphor-and-go game might not immediately provide you with the answers you’re looking for, it likely will bring a smile to your face, which is very helpful when trying to look at things in terms other than simple blacks and whites.

3qtr2007 - Book Review - Juicing the Orange

Title: Juicing the Orange: How to Turn Creativity into a Powerful Business Advantage
Authors: Pat Fallon & Fred Senn
ISBN: 1-59139-927-0

Okay, this is another in a series of "Inside Secrets" books written by seasoned advertising pros about their unique strategies and resultant successes. And I'll admit that I really like books like this. (Other good ones include: Lovemarks: The Future Beyond Brands, by Kevin Robers, CEO of Saatchi & Saatchi; and The Trendmaster's Guide, by Robyn Waters, former VP of Trend, Design, and Product Development at Target.) Advertising-folk are just so creative and upbeat when things are going right.

What I particularly like about this book - and the Fallon Worldwide agency - though, is that so many of the client case studies highlighted are for products and companies that I not only recognize, but actually like - something I directly attribute to their, ahem, really good advertising. Examples, include:

• Those animated, music-only, story-telling tv commercials for United Airlines
• Those "No, but i did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night" ads
• Buddy Lee blue jean commercials
• The way that BMW cross marketed with Bond, James Bond
• Those wacky Virgin Mobile holiday ads
• and more

Another favorite was for a barber shop in NYC called "7 South 8th for Hair," a small business with very little money for advertising. It was Fallon's very first account and they really wanted to show how they could be creative AND effective. So, they bought a few poster spaces at bus stops near the barbershop and, on them, featured big pictures of somebody famous with really bad hair ... and a cleverly related tag line:

• Moe Howard (of Three Stooges fame) - "A bad haircut is no laughing matter."
• Albert Einstein - "A bad haircut can make anyone look dumb."
• Susan B. Anthony (from the failed $1 coin) - "A bad haircut can take you out of circulation."

Fallon's Inside Secret? What they call the Seven Principles of Creative Leverage:

1. Always start from scratch.
2. Demand a ruthlessly simple definition of the business problem.
3. Discover a proprietary emotion.
4. Focus on the size of the idea, not the size of the budget.
5. Seek out strategic risks.
6. Collaborate or perish.
7. Listen hard to your customers (then listen some more).

It struck me that these seven principles can apply to far more than just advertising. I know many of them seem to naturally show up in my coaching conversations with clients, for instance. But think about it in terms of furthering important business initiatives, as well:

• "We believe that you have more creativity in your organization than you realize, and we believe that you can find it, develop it, and use it more effectively. " (page 20)

They're probably right, you know.

Here are a few other interesting creative advertising ideas that applies to people at work - and in life:

• "Our goal as an organization is to understand culture so well that we can use its idioms and nuances to transcend blatant selling messages." (page 65)
• "You can change people's minds, but only if they first give you permission, and that won't happen if they think you're a joke." (page 78)
• "The door to most business people's right brain is through their left brain. First the smart, then the exciting. (The consumer, ironically, wants it just the other way around.)" (page 97)
• "Just as a sports team needs a handful of players who have been to the playoffs, a marketing team needs members who understand the hard work and commitment it takes to make the most of an idea." (page 123)

Success in advertising, as in business - and in life - really does required more than just talking the walk.

• "...if we truly valued our culture, then it wasn't enough to hire brains and talent. we had to cherish the people who bets embodied our ideals. We call them culture players." (page 194)

And that's why I like this book - it not only had cool advertising stories and interesting creative strategies, but it offered some important conclusions for what it takes to be a success across a wide variety of venues.

3qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: More Better Creativity

Question: Barry, I'm stuck. I want to be more creative in what I do, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Everything I come up with is, well, b-o-r-i-n-g. What am I doing wrong?

Answer: As counter-intuitive as it may seem, in situations like this, success often comes more from trying less, than from trying harder. And the best way that I've found to do that is to F-R-E-E Your Mind:

• F as in Forget - Sure you've got all sorts of pressures and deadlines you're worried about, but Step One is to let all that go and forget about it for a little while. Think of this step as clearing the canvas. Tabula rasa.
• R as in Remember - Now that you've cleared your mind, entertain a memory of a favorite noun (person, place, or thing) from your past. The farther back in time you go, the better - something from your innocent youth (your Wonder Years) would be ideal.
• E as in Enjoy - Spend a few moments enjoying your recollection, with all your senses. Remember what it looked like, sounded like, who was there. Remember the colors, textures, flavors, what it felt like. Remember it in as much detail as you possibly can and reconnect with some of that same child-like zeal you had way back when. Breathe in a few times. Good deep breaths. And big, full, exhales. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
• E as in Expand - Now from that relaxed and happy place, expand your thinking to the problem or issue you've been trying to get creative about. Ask your inner-child for some advice: What would he do? What does she suggest? Who else from your past would have some good, crazy, funny, absurd, ideas to share?! Your best friend? The kid next door? The neighbor's dog that loved barking at the mailman?! See what 'pops'; you may be pleasantly surprised.

When we connect back to our past, we F-R-E-E our minds from all the noise and static of today that keeps us from being our natural, creative, selves.

Hmmm. Makes me wonder. Whatever happened to my old buddy, Jimmy Sharkey? Jimmy, you out there?!

2qtr2007 - 119 Small Steps

It's amazing how much good information is out there on the Internet just a-waiting for us to find. Here's some more of it, courtesy of the Steps to a Healthier U.S. initiative from the
U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, called Small Steps:

1. Walk to work.
2. Use fat free milk over whole milk.
3. Do sit-ups in front of the TV.
4. Walk during lunch hour.
5. Drink water before a meal.
6. Eat leaner red meat & poultry.
7. Eat half your dessert.
8. Walk instead of driving whenever you can.
9. Take family walk after dinner.
10. Skate to work instead of driving.
11. Avoid food portions larger than your fist.
12. Mow lawn with push mower.
13. Increase the fiber in your diet.
14. Walk to your place of worship instead of driving.
15. Walk kids to school.
16. Get a dog and walk it.
17. Join an exercise group.
18. Drink diet soda.
19. Replace Sunday drive with Sunday walk.
20. Do yard work.
21. Eat off smaller plates.
22. Get off a stop early & walk.
23. Don't eat late at night.
24. Skip seconds.
25. Work around the house.
26. Skip buffets.
27. Grill, steam or bake instead of frying.
28. Bicycle to the store instead of driving.
29. Take dog to the park.
30. Ask your doctor about taking a multi-vitamin.
31. Go for a half-hour walk instead of watching TV.
32. Use vegetable oils over solid fats.
33. More carrots, less cake.
34. Fetch the newspaper yourself.
35. Sit up straight at work.
36. Wash the car by hand.
37. Don't skip meals.
38. Eat more celery sticks.
39. Run when running errands.
40. Pace the sidelines at kids' athletic games.
41. Take wheels off luggage.
42. Choose an activity that fits into your daily life.
43. Try your burger with just lettuce, tomato, and onion.
44. Ask a friend to exercise with you.
45. Make time in your day for physical activity.
46. Exercise with a video if the weather is bad.
47. Bike to the barbershop or beauty salon instead of driving.
48. Keep to a regular eating schedule.
49. If you find it difficult to be active after work, try it before work.
50. Take a walk or do desk exercises instead of a cigarette or coffee break.
51. Perform gardening or home repair activities.
52. Avoid laborsaving devices.
53. Take small trips on foot to get your body moving.
54. Play with your kids 30 minutes a day.
55. Dance to music.
56. Keep a pair of comfortable walking or running shoes in your car and office.
57. Make a Saturday morning walk a group habit.
58. Walk briskly in the mall.
59. Choose activities you enjoy & you'll be more likely to stick with them.
60. Stretch before bed to give you more energy when you wake.
61. Take the long way to the water cooler.
62. Explore new physical activities.
63. Vary your activities, for interest and to broaden the range of benefits.
64. Reward and acknowledge your efforts.
65. Choose fruit for dessert.
66. Consume alcoholic beverages in moderation, if at all.
67. Take stairs instead of the escalator.
68. Conduct an inventory of your meal/snack and physical activity patterns.
69. Share an entree with a friend.
70. Grill fruits or vegetables.
71. Eat before grocery shopping.
72. Choose a checkout line without a candy display.
73. Make a grocery list before you shop.
74. Buy 100% fruit juices over soda and sugary drinks.
75. Stay active in winter. Play with your kids.
76. Flavor foods with herbs, spices, and other low fat seasonings.
77. Remove skin from poultry before cooking to lower fat content.
78. Eat before you get too hungry.
79. Don't skip breakfast.
80. Stop eating when you are full.
81. Snack on fruits and vegetables.
82. Top your favorite cereal with apples or bananas.
83. Try brown rice or whole-wheat pasta.
84. Include several servings of whole grain food daily.
85. When eating out, choose a small or medium portion.
86. If main dishes are too big, choose an appetizer or a side dish instead.
87. Ask for salad dressing "on the side".
88. Don't take seconds.
89. Park farther from destination and walk.
90. Try a green salad instead of fries.
91. Bake or broil fish.
92. Walk instead of sitting around.
93. Eat sweet foods in small amounts.
94. Take your dog on longer walks.
95. Drink lots of water.
96. Cut back on added fats or oils in cooking or spreads.
97. Walk the beach instead of sunbathing.
98. Walk to a co-worker's desk instead of emailing or calling them.
99. Carry your groceries instead of pushing a cart.
100. Use a snow shovel instead of a snow blower.
101. Cut high-calorie foods like cheese and chocolate into smaller pieces and only eat a few pieces.
102. Use nonfat or low-fat sour cream, mayo, sauces, dressings, and other condiments.
103. Replace sugar sweetened beverages with water and add a twist of lemon or lime.
104. Replace high-saturated fat/high calorie seasonings with herbs grown in a small herb garden in your kitchen window.
105. Refrigerate prepared soups before you eat them. As the soup cools, the fat will rise to the top. Skim it off the surface for reduced fat content.
106. When eating out, ask your server to put half your entrée in a to-go bag.
107. Substitute vegetables for other ingredients in your sandwich.
108. Every time you eat a meal, sit down, chew slowly, and pay attention to flavors and textures.
109. Try a new fruit or vegetable (ever had jicama, plantain, bok choy, starfruit or papaya?)
110. Make up a batch of brownies with applesauce instead of oil or shortening.
111. Instead of eating out, bring a healthy, low calorie lunch to work.
112. Ask your sweetie to bring you fruit or flowers instead of chocolate.
113. Speak up for the salad bar when your coworkers are picking a restaurant for lunch, and remember calories count, so pay attention to how much and what you eat.
114. When walking, go up the hills instead of around them.
115. Walk briskly through the mall and shop 'til you drop ... pounds.
116. Clean your closet and donate clothes that are too big.
117. Take your body measurements to gauge progress.
118. Buy a set of hand weights and play a round of Simon Says with your kids - you do it with the weights, they do without.
119. Swim with your kids.

2qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: Better Decision Making

Question: Hey Beezee. Whenever I ask my friends, family, and colleagues for their suggestions as to how I should handle a given situation, I end up with so much conflicting advice that I'm even more confused than when I started. I think it's important to gather as much information before making important decisions. but this isn't working. What's a better way?

Answer: Good for you for recognizing that the approach you're taking isn't giving you the results you're looking for. As Albert Einstein said,

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Consider changing the type of information you're requesting - or the way that you're requesting it. It's likely that you're asking a "What do you think I should do?" type question, or some variation thereof. The problem with this approach, as you noted, is that it rarely leads to consensus or clarity - you just get a bunch of differing and often conflicting opinions to filter through.

Rather than finding out what others would do if they were you, use these interactions to get clearer on what you need for you to make the decision. In other words, focus on asking for the objective data do you need to help you decide.

Example: You want to buy a car. Rather than asking others, "What car do you think I should buy?", first ask yourself, "What would affect my decision one way or another?"

• price?
• safety?
• reliability?
• resale value?
• fuel efficiency?
• ??

List your criteria, whatever it may be. Then ask people specifically about those things: How much should I expect to pay for a good used car? How important are crash test results? Which cars does Consumer Reports rate highly from a reliability standpoint? At what point does it make sense to trade in one car for another one? What else is important in deciding on a car to buy? Answers to these types of questions are likely to inform rather than confuse you.

In review:

1. Decide what are the important elements for you to use as a basis for your decision.
2. Gather information with respect to those elements.
3. Create a short list of possible choices.
4. Evaluate each choice with respect to the decision elements you've chosen.
5. Decide.

By the way, a very helpful tool to assist you with this is a Decision Matrix.

And don't worry if it takes a while to gather the information you need to decide. As Einstein also said,

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

Hope this helps.

1qtr2007 - Book Review - Mindless Eating

Title: Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Should
Author: Brian Wansink, Ph.D.

"The average Person makes well over 200 decisions about food every day. Breakfast or no breakfast? Pop-Tart or bagel? Part of it or all of it? Kitchen or car?" So says the author, a Stanford Ph.D. and the director of the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab. "Yet out of these 200-plus food decisions, most we cannot really explain."

"Traditional diet books focus on what dietitians and health practitioners know. This book focuses on what psychologists and marketeers know." As such, it's not a book about "dietary extremism." Rather, it's about "reengineering" your food environment so that it doesn't work against you - 200-plus times a day - without you even knowing it.

From the jacket sleeve: "Using ingenious, fun, and sometimes downright fiendishly clever experiments like the 'bottomless soup bowl,' Wansink takes us on a fascinating tour of the secret dynamics behind our dietary habits." Yes he does. And at the end of each chapter, he provides us with Reengineering Strategies to implement what we now know:

1. Reengineering Strategy #1: Think 20% - More or Less - For regular meals, dish out 20% less than you think you might want; for fruits and vegetables, think 20% more.
2. Reengineering Strategy #2: See All You Eat - See it before you eat it (when people "pre-plate" their food, they eat 14% less than when they take smaller amounts and go back for seconds or thirds); see it while you eat it (think popcorn and candy at the movie theatre).
3. Reengineering Strategy #3: Be Your Own Tablescaper - Mini-size your boxes and bowls (the bigger the package you pour from, the more you eat: 20% to 30% more for most people, so repackage your jumbo boxes into smaller Ziploc bags or Tupperware containers); become an illusionist (six ounces of goulash on an 8-inch plate is a nice-size serving, but six ounces on a 12-inch plate looks like a tiny appetizer).
4. Reengineering Strategy #4: Make Overeating a Hassle - Don't bring serving dishes to the table; de-convenience tempting foods (by putting them in the back of the fridge or cupboard); snack only on a plate (making it less convenient to serve, eat, and clean up after an impulse snack).
5. Reengineering Strategy #5: Create Distraction-Free Eating Scripts - Re script your diet danger zones (eg: chew a stick of gum after work rather than heading for the fridge); serve yourself before you snack (avoid eating out of the box, bag, or serving bowl).
6. Reengineering Strategy #6: Create Expectations That Make You a Better Cook - Fix the atmosphere when you fix the food (spend the last 15 minutes of prep time on "soft" and "nice" - soft lights, soft music, soft color, nice plates, nice tablecloth, nice glasses); enhance your description of "what's for dinner?" (add words like succulent, homemade, traditional, Cajun, and they'll like your food a whole lot more - and snack a whole lot less).
7. Reengineering Strategy #7: Make Comfort Foods More Comforting - Don't deprive yourself (just eat them in smaller amounts); rewire your comfort foods (from 'death by chocolate' sundaes to a smaller bowl of ice cream with fresh strawberries).
8. Reengineering Strategy #8: Crown yourself as the Official Gatekeeper - Don't use food to reward or punish; use the half-plate rule (half of your plate for proteins and starches; half of your plate for fruit and veggies); make serving sizes official (repackage single-servings in Baggies or Saran Wrap).
9. Reengineering Strategy #9: Portion-Size Me - Beware of the health halo (the better the food, the worse the extras: think Subway - some of their 'naked' sandwiches may be healthy, but not when you add the cheese and dressings, etc.); Beware of super-sizing (think McDonald's).

Wansink recommends you go through this list and pick three changes to focus on - no more; no less. More than three and it'll feel like a diet. Do that for 28 days and you'll be well on your way to making smarter eating mindless.

I recommend you pick up a copy of Mindless Eating.

1qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: Better Sleep

Question: Hey Coach! Sometimes I just can't seem to fall asleep at night. I toss and turn and keep reviewing things over and over again. Not surprisingly, when I finally do fall asleep it's too little too late. Suggestions?

Answer: Some people can fall asleep at the drop of a hat; others need more time to settle down before settling in for the night. Here are some things you may want to try. While they all may not work for you, quite likely some combination will serve their purpose of getting you into Zzz land that much sooner:

Getting Ready for Bed:

1. Stop drinking caffeinated coffee and soft drinks progressively earlier in the day until you find the latest time in the day that they affect your sleep. For some people, that's 6pm; for others, though, it can be as early as 12 noon.
2. Set your alarm clock 3-7 minutes fast. This 'space time' will help you 'fool' your subconscious into thinking you'll be getting up later than you really will be, which will make it easier to relax when getting into bed. Which would you rather see: an alarm going off at 5:57am or one that goes off at 6:03am? It's not about the extra six minutes; it's about the calming perception of not having to get up at 5-something in the morning!
3. Establish a bedtime ritual. Maybe it's quietly reading for 30-minutes. Maybe it's listening to some soothing music. It might be taking a shower. It might even be writing out your plans or ideas for the next day so you don't have to worry you'll forget them before morning. The key is to make this end-of-day ritual a routine part of your day - like brushing your teeth or turning on your alarm clock.

Waking up in the Morning:

1. Regarding alarm clocks, stop using the snooze button. It's one of the worst add-ons to one of the best inventions ever. Consider: the purpose of an alarm clock is what? To wake you up. And the purpose of the snooze button is what? To not wake you up! Wanna sleep a bit later? Fine. Set the alarm clock to ring or buzz or radio or cd later. But get in the habit of getting out of bed as soon as the alarm clock goes off. Make it a rule you abide by.
2. As soon as the alarm clock goes off, sit up and put your two feet on the floor. Then take a few deep breaths - breathe in for a 3-count; breathe out for a 4-count - put a smile on your face, and stand up.
3. Reviewing a list of affirmations you've prepared or things you're grateful for helps get your day off to a great start, as well.

Waking up in the Middle of the Night:

1. Keep a cup of water on your nightstand so if you wake up in the middle of the night you can take a sip or two and go back to bed not feeling so parched.
2. Here's another back-to-sleep technique - a variant of counting sheep: take a virtual tour of a house or apartment you used to lived in. Imagine yourself walking room by room and 'see' as much detail as you possibly can.
3. Keep a note pad (and pen) on your nightstand (I use 3x5 note cards) so you can write down what's bothering you, knowing that you don't have to think about it anymore until morning, when you can remind yourself about it by reading your note(s).
4. Remind yourself that the purpose of sleep is to rest your body as well as you mind. So if you can't seem to turn off your brain, consciously focus it on helping your body get the rest it needs. Systematically tense and relax each part of your body. Let your body feel the rejuvenate effects of stillness. Imagine it smiling back at you in appreciation for helping it recharge this way.
5. If all else fails, get out of bed. Better to be up and about really early than tossing and turning all night. You might find it to be a particularly productive time for you. And, it's likely that you'll be plenty-tired the next night.

Other ideas? Surely there are. Ask around to find out what other techniques people use. And if you've got a good one, post it here for others to benefit from.

Good? G'nite, then.

4qtr2006 - Feature Article: Beyond Illusions

I read an interesting article in the August/September 2006 issue of Scientific American Mind magazine called: "The Quirks of Constancy." It starts off with a big picture of the Ponzo Illusion. For those of you unfamiliar with the Ponzo Illusion, it was named after the Italian psychologist Mario Ponzo, who, in 1913, offered this drawing for consideration:

Now if you're like most, you probably see the top yellow line as clearly being longer than the bottom one. But, in truth, both yellow lines are identical in every way. So look at the illusion again. Isn't it fascinating that the top yellow line still looks longer than the bottom one even though you know that they're the exact same size? That, my friends, is why it's called an illusion!

And that's why the article's subtitle asks the following question: "Even when we consciously know two lines are the same length, why can't we help seeing them as different?"

So how does Ponzo continue do what he did? The answer has to do with something like this: The railroad tracks convince our brains that there's some depth to the picture and that the top yellow line is 'farther away' from us - and therefore should appear smaller - than the yellow line below it. But because it doesn't look smaller, our brains automatically conclude that it must be because the top line is actually the bigger of the two.

Except, of course, that it's not! They're both identical, as seen when the "railroad tracks" are replaced with straight lines. Voila! The illusion is gone:

But this isn't really an article about what a guy named Ponzo discovered some 90+ years ago, though. It's about our need to do a better job of recognizing - and giving ourselves credit for - the incremental improvements we achieve in our ongoing self-development work. You see, just as we continue to see Ponzo's yellow lines as different sizes even though we know they are not, we also all-too-often continue to label, or see, ourselves as not having changed - even though there's irrefutable evidence to the contrary. Witness:

• Quote-unquote "shy" people still tend to label themselves as shy even though they now sometimes talk with people standing on line with them at the grocery store, or get into conversation with fellow commuters on the train platform.
  
• Quote-unquote "unconfident" people still tend to label themselves as unconfident even though they have no problem asking co-workers or colleagues if they want to grab a cup of coffee or get a bite to eat.
  
• Quote-unquote "not-so-smart" people still tend to see label themselves as not-so-smart even though they are clearly subject matter experts (SME) on a wide variety of topics and people continually seek them out for their SME-ness.

In these cases, and others like them, there is specific, quantifiable, evidence that real and meaningful improvement has been made, that real and meaningful improvement is being made, and that real and meaningful improvement continues to be made. Yet the illusion of their self-limiting beliefs prevents them from recognizing their changes as such.

The message here is this: If you know you're honestly making an effort to improve yourself, it's more than likely that you have improved - more than you realize. Remember: Just because your short-comings sometimes still look bigger than your successes, it doesn't mean that they actually are. Any lack-of-progress you're feeling is probably just a variation of Ponzo's Illusion.

3qtr2006 - Feature Article

C.L.E.A.N. up your Mess

In preparing for an interview with the Chicago Tribune last month (Moving on often best fix for blunders) I was asked to consider what steps an employee should take to recover from having embarrassed the boss.

Certainly there's a "clean-up" function that's required. And to that end, here's a C.L.E.A.N. acronym for doing exactly that:

C, as in COP to it - You screwed up; now admit it. Even if your mistake was having misjudged how your boss would react to what you did, you really do have to take responsibility for the impact your actions had, ASAP. No ifs, ands, or buts.

L, as in LISTEN for the deeper issue - We already know that bosses don't always say what they mean. So if, as example, your boss starts criticizing you for something you said at a meeting with more senior managers, chances are you inadvertently embarrassed him/her. Did you contradict something s/he said? Misstate some key facts? Comment in a way that was "off message"? Encourage your boss to tell you what's really at issue. Ask what s/he is not telling you. Get the real story.

E, as in ECHO your apology - Once you understand exactly how you embarrassed your boss, apologize. Express your regret in such a way that s/he can't help but realize that: (a) you truly are sorry; and (b) you understand what you did wrong. Then ask if you should apologize to anyone else about this. It's a gracious extra step that can help rebuild bridges and mend fences.

A, as in ACT professionally - You may be put in the dog-house for a while, but depending on circumstances, you probably deserve it. After all, you did the crime, now do the time. So work hard; do good; and above all, don't whine about it ... to anyone.

N, as in NEVER do that again! Clear enough?!

But what if it's the boss who embarrasses you? What then?

Certainly you can cop to the fact that you were, in fact, embarrassed. You can also listen for what the boss' intent actually was.

What you'd echo though, would be additional examples that suggest a problem has emerged - one that you'd like your boss to appropriately resolve. Then continue to act professionally, whether you feel like it or not, and never, under any circumstances, complain to people who can't do anything to help solve the problem.

If the pattern continues, you have a choice to make: (a) complain to someone who can get your boss' attention; (b) put up with it; or (c) find yourself a new job with a different boss.

Hard choices, but choices nevertheless.

2qtr2006 - Feature Article

Long-Term Life Planning

I was recently asked by CNN reporter Ann Hoevel, "What steps should people take, Barry, to create a long-term life plan for themselves? What can they do to get themselves ready?"

The thing is, if you're not ready to create a long-term plan for yourself, then you're just not ready. There's no secret formula to automatically make you ready. And even if there was, different people need different things so what might work for Mary, or Steve, probably wouldn't work for you. But while there's no magic recipe out there, there are certain key ingredients that you're probably going to need to effectively
P-L-A-N.

P - be Patient

Just because you don't know in this moment, it doesn't mean that you won't know in a coming moment. The key is to be ready for the insights - and recognizing them as such - whenever they do occur. Practice patience whenever you can. It's an important life skill.

Keep practicing until impatience no longer distracts you from what's going on in the here and now.

L - Love yourself

There are three types of personal power - Mind Power, Body Power, Heart Power. Mind Power helps us analyze things and their underlying logic. Body Power is the power of action and doing. And Heart Power comes from connecting with your values, your soul, your higher purpose. While most people are pretty good at using their mind and body powers, Heart Power, which might also be called an ego-less Love of Self, is where all long-term life planning really begins. Here's a great coaching exercise: Sit your body down, quiet your mind, and have a set of conversations with your heart. Listen for what it says. Hear what it's trying to tell you, without judgment, and without expectation.

The more you can befriend your heart, the clearer - and more meaningful - these communications can be.

A - increase your Awareness

So many people operate in Default Mode, ruled unconsciously by bad habits, out-dated assumptions, and self-limiting beliefs. The key here is to recognize your Default Behaviors as they occur, so you can become more conscious and purposeful about what you're deciding.

Here's an exercise that can help: Start noticing the things around you that have a particularly positive or negative affect on you. Don't worry about why they affect you the way they do, just notice that they affect you. Then, using a variation of what I call the Noun Game, identify persons, places, and things that empower (strengthen) you - or not; that motivate (engage) you - or not; that satisfy (acknowledge) you - or not.

You'll be amazed at what you can see when you start paying attention.

N - Nucleate

Find a quiet place. Let your curiosity and ingenuity percolate up inside you and let whatever comes up, come up. Don't worry about how realistic it is. Don't worry about practicality, either. The idea is to investigate possibility, without constraint. Wherever your energy collects is likely to be near the core. Make a note and come back later.

If nothing comes up right away, don't worry. Just take a break and return to the P-L-A-N process later. Patience, self-love, awareness and your ability to nucleate a life plan sometimes takes time.

Following the P-L-A-N does not guarantee the clarity of heart, mind, and body needed to create a meaningful life plan. But if you're ready, I believe it will help you get there sooner.

1qtr2006 - Feature Article

Promoted? Now What?

Welcome to 2006! And congratulations - that promotion you got along with your performance review at year-end is now official. So here are some helpful hints on successfully managing the transition from co-worker to boss:

Top 5 DO’S when being promoted to supervise your peers

1. DO treat everyone with the utmost respect – In one way or another you couldn’t have gotten the promotion without them, either because they helped you succeed, or they helped you look good by comparison.
2. DO earn your pay – Now that you’re making the Big Bucks, show your staff that promoting you was a good decision.
3. DO keep your ego in check – No one likes an over-the-top winner, specially when they knew you when.
4. DO fix something – Pick something you all used to grouse about and use your new authority to make it better.
5. DO walk your talk – Take responsibility for your actions (especially your screw-ups) and model how you want your staff act in similar circumstances.

Top 5 DON’TS when being promoted to supervise your peers

1. DON’T be a jerk – You don’t automatically now know everything just because you’re the boss. Similarly, saying, “Do what I say because I’m the boss,” should be avoided at all costs. Instead, explain the underlying rationale for your decisions and discuss and/or debate, as necessary. Allow the strength of your ideas to make the sale, not just the implied threat that your can make someone’s life miserable if they don’t comply.
2. DON’T be a buddy – You’re no longer part of the gang; you’re the boss. Be friendly, but don’t think that nothing will change just because you got promoted; it will.
3. DON’T play favorites – Reward based on merit, not favoritism. Don’t assume you already know how someone will work with you as their boss. Avoid giving real or perceived preferential treatment.
4. DON’T hold a double-standard – Being in charge does not mean you can bend/break the rules for yourself while insisting they be enforced for everyone else.
5. DON’T be a hog – When something goes well, share the credit/spotlight with your staff so that they see that making you look good makes them look even better.

You've done a lot of good work in the past - that's what earned you this promotion. But now, you need to do a lot of GREAT work to help everyone realize that promoting you was a very smart - and totally appropriate - thing for your boss to have done.

Show 'em what you can do.

4qtr2005 - Feature Article – Helping Bosses Help

Much has been written about the dysfunction of bosses – and rightly so. But this is not an article about that. Instead, it's an article about how bosses really DO help, the tools they have at their disposal TO help, and what that all might mean to you.

In its simplest sense, there are only four things that bosses can do for you. But the BIG FOUR are incredibly powerful tools that can dramatically help you work through almost any problem you may be grappling with. And even more importantly, bosses have surprising discretion in using the BIG FOUR when they feel it’s appropriate to do so.

So what are the BIG FOUR? What is it that bosses can provide that so many others in your organization cannot? Let’s take a look:

1. Bosses can provide you with ADDITIONAL TIME - Notwithstanding your best efforts, your project/report/whatever is running late and the consequences are untenable - unless, of course, your boss grants you an extension.
2. Bosses can provide you with ADDITIONAL MONIES - In many organizations, budgets are considered sacred. It doesn’t matter that you see a particular piece of equipment, or software, or some other potential purchase, as essential. If it’s not in the budget, you’re probably not getting it – unless, of course, your boss approves an overage.
3. Bosses can provide you with ADDITIONAL NON-MONETARY RESOURCES - Who doesn't have too much to do with too few resources? A temp, consultant, coworker, etc., would be a welcomed addition to your work effort if only they were available. But they’re usually not – unless, of course, your boss approves the temporary (or dare I say permanent) assistance.
4. Bosses can provide you with ADDITIONAL INFORMATION - Sometimes, decisions don’t make sense because, well, they’re lousy decisions! More often than not, though, they don’t make sense because there are pieces of the story you just don’t know. The same could be said for certain planning efforts, as well – unless, of course, your boss provides you with some added insights and information to help put things in a broader/more relevant context.

So now that you know WHAT the BIG FOUR are, how can you get your boss to utilize them in support of your work efforts?

Step 1 – On a clean piece of paper, list each specific open work item that you are struggling, or could use some help, with.

Step 2 – For each assignment, ask yourself the following operative questions:

• How could ADDITIONAL TIME, MONIES, NON-MONETARY RESOURCES, and/or INFORMATION make this assignment significantly easier to successfully complete?


• Precisely how much ADDITIONAL TIME, MONIES, NON-MONETARY RESOURCES, and/or INFORMATION would be needed?


• How would you put this ADDITIONAL TIME, MONIES, NON-MONETARY RESOURCES, and/or INFORMATION to use?


• If you were given the ADDITIONAL TIME, MONIES, NON-MONETARY RESOURCES, and/or INFORMATION you feel you need, would that be all you’d need to successfully complete this assignment?

Step 3 – Complete the following template for each work item:

Step 4 – Meet with your boss to explain your situation clearly and succinctly in terms of the BIG FOUR. By doing so, you’ll not only articulate exactly what it is that your boss can do to help, but you’ll also frame your conversation in a way that will make it easier for your boss to agree with your request(s).

Note: Many people have a tendency to ask for less than they really need, not wanting to look too needy or greedy. But this is not a time for that. While there’s never any guarantee that you’ll actually get what you ask for, there is no quicker way to lose your boss’s trust than to have him/her authorize what you asked for only to later learn that it wasn’t enough to appropriately address the situation.

Lastly, be sure to complete – and bring with – whatever paperwork your boss will need to sign to approve your request (e.g. purchase order, requisition, approval memo, etc.). It will save time AND make you look really good to be able to offer it up as soon as your boss agrees to help.

4qtr2005 - Book Review - Crisis Management

Title: Crisis Management: Planning for the Inevitable
Author: Steven Fink

Sometimes the best books are the ones you've already read. Re-reading them gives you another chance to see what you missed the first time through, confirm what you know, and further deepen your learning on a particular topic.

So, given the impact Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, I thought it a good time to review a book about dealing with crises.

According to Fink, there are four distinct stages to a crisis:

Stage 1 - The Prodromal Stage - This is the "early warning" period. Sometimes referred to as the "pre-crisis" stage, it's when you get first glimpse of the potential of the crisis-to-come. The reasons why the Prodromal Stage is so important is that it's just so much easier to manage a crisis before it begins.

Stage 2 - The Acute Crisis Stage - This is the crisis per se. It begins once the damage has begun. How long it continues is a matter of how much additional damage occurs. The key, of course, is to minimize the amount of that subsequent damage, although that's not always possible.

Stage 3 - The Chronic Stage - Some call this the "post-mortem" phase. The damage has subsided, clean-up has begun, and now it's time to investigate what happened and what did not. It's a period of analysis, mea culpas, Lessons Learned, and recovery, and can sometimes last an extraordinary amount of time.

Stage 4 - The Crisis Resolution Stage - This is when things finally return back to normal (whatever that means!) or in Fink's words, "when the patient is well and whole again."

Fink goes on to explain that as bad as the physical damage of a crisis can get, the emotional damage is often more troubling. Emotionally-speaking, here's what we'd rather see than the 4-stage model:

But when it doesn't happen that way - and it rarely does - we can quickly find ourselves spiraling on an emotional roller coaster that looks more like this:

One of the recurring themes of the book is that crises, as bad as they can be, provide us with important opportunities to show how well we can handle the "decisive moments" inherent in them. In fact, once the chronic stage starts, the spotlight increasingly focuses on how well we do that ... or not. Former FEMA director, Michael Brown, experienced this phenomenon first-hand. So did former NYC mayor Rudy Guliani a few years ago, though, so you see it really does cut both ways.

Another of the author's keen insights is what he labels the crisis impact value (CIV). The questions to ask in assessing the CIV are as follows:

1. Is there a good chance that this situation will, if left unattended, escalate in intensity?
2. Might this situation foster unwanted attention by outsiders?
3. Is it likely that the situation might interfere with normal business operations in some manner?
4. Could it make you look bad or cause some people to lose confidence?
5. How is it going to affect your bottom line?

Simply stated, the more objectively - and accurately - you can answer these questions, the better you will be able to manage the crisis around you.

There's more good stuff in this book, including detailed reviews of what happened at Three-Mile Island, with the Tylenol tampering situation, during the Savings & Loan crisis, and around Union Carbide's Bhopal debacle. Clearly, if the book were to be updated today, it'd have much to say about our recent hurricanes, and probably something about the earthquake in Pakistan, too.

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If you've read this book and would like to share your thoughts on it - or have a book recommendation that you'd like to make - please post your comments. To that end, a great article on crisis management is "Managing the Crisis You Tried to Prevent," by Norman R. Augustine, HBR, November 1995.

3qtr2005 - Feature Article - How Well-Positioned ARE You?

Before becoming a business/personal life coach, I was offered a wonderful chance to create - and teach - a Computer Sciences class at Northwestern University. The decision to recruit me was based on my direct and varied experiences in the Information Technology sector, having successfully run a private telecommunications company for a large financial institution for many years. Yet my interests were already drifting away from IT and moving more toward becoming a coach mentor, and leadership consultant. (It had become increasingly obvious to me that it was not so much the technology, but the people behind the technology that truly made the difference in the products and services my organization offered.) So I seized the opportunity to develop a class that blended where I had come from, and where I was heading toward.

Titled, Managing (the Human Side of) Mission Critical Systems, I would begin each semester by asking my students to define what made a system mission critical. My favorite answer was this one: "A Mission Critical System is a system that MUST work because if it doesn't, then your ability to do business is significantly jeopardized. And WHEN it doesn't, it's OUR job to get it working again ... F-A-S-T." So when I suggested that our careers are Mission Critical systems - and they're our most important Mission Critical system, at that - they stared at me in disbelief. Yet what I believed back then, I believe even more today.

To present my case, I made a special point of stressing a career-related aspect of the materials we were covering in each class. So when we talked about crisis management, I invited someone who was laid off to be a guest speaker. That enabled us to see the similarities between a temporary systems outage ... and a career outage. As an add-on to the module on new system procurement practices, I brought in an executive recruiter for a lively and interactive session about personnel interviewing and selection. And when talking about system/software upgrades, I asked the question:

What new features and functionality do you want to be able to put on the next release of your resume ... without having to lie about it?

Now that we're more than halfway through 2005, that's a question that YOU might want to seriously consider. After all, whether you plan to look for a new job or not, you want to be able to add something new to your resume every single year - to show you're growing, and to keep your edge. So what ARE you interested in?

• If it's project management, ask for a juicy project to spearhead, preferably outside of your area of expertise.
• If it's leadership experience, go look for opportunities to practice your informal influencing skills.
• If it's visibility, ask to be added to an inter-departmental work team.
• If it's collaboration, find ways to meaningfully interact more with the key players in your organization.
• If it's having a greater impact, ask to be held accountable for delivering some new specific and measurable business results.

The point here is that the best opportunities for you may not be obvious to those who have the authority to assign you those opportunities. It's therefore up to YOU to make your wishes known. Does it always work out? No. But it NEVER works out if you don't ever try.

Case in point: As head of telecommunications, I wasn't even being considered as an interim leader of a management coaching pilot program that was aimlessly drifting after the head of human resources left the company. But I knew it was exactly what I wanted to do. So I talked with my boss - and his boss - and got the okay I was looking for. (Working this project helped me confirm that I really wanted to start my own coaching company some day. And on July 4, 2000 - Independence Day - GottaGettaCoach! opened its doors ... that is, its phone lines.)

Now in order to get the necessary approvals to run the pilot, I had to already have good relations up-the-chain. Otherwise, I know I would never have been given consideration. But I did my prep-work, got my audience, made my pitch, and the rest rolled out from there. Inherent in this is another important aspect to answering the "What new features and functionality?" question, and that is:

How well-positioned are you to make your request?

Spend some time with this question because its answer will do more to determine the possibilities of your future than any other. Improving your relations up-the-chain is an excellent new feature and functionality for 2005, as well.

So do you now see how your career really IS a Mission Critical system? And that it's your most important one at that? It's a system that MUST work because if it doesn't, then your ability to do business is significantly jeopardized. And WHEN it doesn't, it's YOUR job to get it working again ... F-A-S-T.

3qtr2005 - Book Review - Hope and Help for Your Nerves

Title: Hope and Help for Your Nerves
Author: Claire Weekes
Link to Purchase: Buy the book

"They say it's 'just nerves' ... But it can stop you from working ... upset your personal relationships ... transform you from the busy and interesting person you used to be into someone else." So says panic disorder expert Dr. Claire Weekes about the tricks your nervous system can play on you. Whether this internal tension slows you down a little or a lot, the truth is that no one is completely immune from what fear, uncertainty, and doubt can do to you physically, mentally, or emotionally. And although this book was written for more severe sufferers of "nervous illness," it can help anyone suffering from anxiety learn its causes, better understand its symptoms, learn to relax, and finally break free.

At the risk of oversimplifying things, we have two main types of nerves: voluntary nerves, or ones that we use to consciously move our muscles, and involuntary nerves, ones that automatically control our internal organs, intestines and the like. The involuntary nervous system has two sub-systems: the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. The sympathetic system is in charge of our adrenaline - it kicks in when we are in a 'fight or flight' situation (real or perceived), increasing our heart rate and blood flow, among other things.

The parasympathetic nervous system acts in the opposite manner by balancing the adrenaline rush and enabling us to relax. When we're over-stressed, over-tired, over-frazzled, etc. our adrenaline producing nerves tend to over-produce. Indicators include sweaty palms, that sense of nervousness, dry mouth, restlessness, dread, or a number of other not-too-pleasant side-effects.

Sometimes these side-effects can become quite unnerving - especially when combined with the shock and bewilderment of not knowing what the heck is happening to us. Fist we're frightened by something so our adrenaline naturally fires. But because our sympathetic system is so hyper-sensitized, it over-fires and our secondary fear kicks in. (We're now frightened by our reaction to being frightened.) This causes another, even bigger, shot of adrenaline to fire which causes the whole cycle to repeat itself with such increasing intensity and relentlessness that a full-fledged panic attack results.

It's really tough stuff.

What Dr. Weekes offers is a way to analyze and understand these symptoms so that there is no shock and bewilderment, so that our secondary fear cycle never gets started. To recover from (or avoid) panic, she instructs, we must realize and accept that our adrenaline-producing nerves are simply over-stimulated and not read anything more into it than that. The four-step process she recommends is this:

1. Face it - You are over-tired and quite possibly exhausted.


2. Accept it - The adrenaline in your system is a result of your exhaustion and nothing more. Do not be bluffed by a physical feeling.


3. Float past it - Knowing the root cause helps you prevent secondary fear from setting in. Recognize that what you are feeling is temporary and just a matter of having too much adrenaline in your system.


4. Let time pass - As you relax and learn to prevent that secondary fear, both the amount of adrenaline that gets fired into your system will naturally lessen, and your parasympathetic nerves will be better able to counter-balance the adrenaline that still does fire. You may still get an initial jolt, but knowing what it is - and knowing how to react to it - will greatly reduce it's negative impact on you.

For some, Hope and Help for Your Nerves may be too deep a look into panic disorders and nervous illness. But if you are at all curious about gaining more control over your counter-productive thinking - or learning more about how your mind and nervous system works - it is a very insightful and meaningful read.

And, in that there are more than 20 million Americans who suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder - approximately out of every nine, according to the American Psychiatric Institute - it may be particularly relevant and helpful for you or someone you know.

Thanks to LS for the recommendation.

2qtr2005 - Feature Article - Real v. Inferred Commitments

Some people complain because, well, they just like to. Any little thing will send them off in a rant about why this is unfair, that is not right, and everything else is just plain wrong. Complaining-for-the-sake-of-complaining (CFTSOC) has become an increasingly popular hobby for many, and an increasing irritant for those who have to listen to all that toxicity day-in/day-out.

CFTSOC aside, there are times when a complaint is perfectly justified. But complaining and complaining-so-that-something-good-happens-as-a-result-of-your-complaint are two very different things. So if you're finding that your complaints are falling on deaf ears, here are some tips on how to improve the how of how to complain:

Make sure a REAL commitment was broken.

Complaints result from broken commitments - you agreed to do something for me, you didn't do it, and now I'm complaining about it. But what most people don't realize is that there are two types of commitments - REAL commitments, and INFERRED commitments. When Mary tells Mark that he'll submit her report to him on Tuesday morning, that's a REAL commitment to submit her report to him on Tuesday morning. And if for whatever reason she does not submit her report to him on Tuesday morning, Mark has every right to complain to her about it. But consider this scenario:

Mary: I'll probably have my report completed before mid-week, Mark, and I can turn it in to you then.

Mark: Great! Because I need it by Tuesday morning.

Mary: Okay.

From this exchange, Mark has INFERRED that Mary will turn her report in to him on Tuesday morning. But did she actually commit to that? No. she hasn't. She simply said that she'll turn in her report when she completes it, which probably will be before mid-week. And she took Mark's, "Great!" to mean that he was okay with that. Her own "Okay" was meant to mean, "Okay I hear you and I'll try to finish it by then," but in no way meant "Okay, I'll be sure to get it done by then," as Mark inferred.

So, does Mark have grounds to complain if Mary doesn't submit her report on Tuesday? I don't think so. If Mark wants to complain about anything, it should be about him not getting a REAL commitment from Mary with respect to the Tuesday morning deliverable, and not about her not keeping a commitment she didn't make. And as for Mary, she knew she was being slippery, so if Mark makes a stink - even if it's for the wrong reason - she's not undeserving of it.

Complain about it effectively.

Why is it that so many people complain to everybody in the world with the exception of the one person who can actually do something about the complaint? Steve will go on and on to anyone who will listen about how his boss, Suzanne, has done him wrong, but he won't say word-one to her about what's wrong ... even when she asks him.

Most likely, it's because Steve doesn't know how to complain effectively. He'll say that it's because complaining doesn't help but, remind me, why then is he still complaining to everyone else about it?! So for Steve, and everyone like Steve, who can use a few helpful hints on how to effectively complain, here's how to do it:

1. Explain your complaint in terms of what REAL commitment was broken.
2. Obtain agreement that the REAL commitment was, in fact, broken. (If you can't get an agreement, it's probably because you didn't have a REAL commitment to begin with - only an INFERRED one, and INFERRED ones don't count because they're not REAL.)
3. State what you need/want to be made whole again and brainstorm alternatives that meaningfully address your complaint until you're sufficiently satisfied.
4. Create a REAL commitment around the agreed-upon solution, including timeframes.
5. Let go of any residual bad feelings around your complaint.

Getting commitments to keep commitments.

The saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So when you're interacting with someone who has a tendency to avoid making REAL commitments, or conveniently forgets the REAL commitments he or she makes, be smart about it. Make a point of confirming the commitment you're hearing to see if you've got it right. Ask if it is a REAL commitment that's being made to you, or not. The more overt you can make the commitment process, the more likely commitments made to you will be honored - and the more effective your complaints will be.

1qtr2005 - Feature Article - Yes, No, Counteroffer

A lot of people end up doing more than they really want simply because they don't know how to navigate through a potentially difficult conversation about it. As a result, they not only end up with more work to do, but they also tend to feel bad for not sticking up for themselves and angry at those around them. There's one key thing to remember, though. For any request that's made, you always have three possible responses: to say 'yes', to say 'no', or to make a counteroffer.

• Saying 'yes' - For many, this really is the only response they feel comfortable giving. And while it solves problems in the short-term (read: avoids confrontation), it often creates significant stress and strain later because there's that much more to do. That's not to say that 'yes' isn't sometimes a good answer. Many times you want to help AND are able to help. And helping others can be a great source of personal and professional satisfaction. But when a 'yes' starts creating more than you're ready for, it's important to know that you have other options.
• Saying 'no' - This response is often thought of as the option of last-resort. And rightfully so because it often leads to an argument of sorts. But there are times when a clear and firm 'no' is exactly what's needed: when someone asks you to betray a friendship, when someone asks you to do something unethical or illegal, as examples. What's important is that you get real clear about what lines you're just not willing to cross.
• Making a counteroffer - When saying 'yes' to someone else means saying 'no' to yourself, though, the counteroffer is clearly the option of choice. The process is simple, you simply begin by saying something to the effect of, "Well, I can't do [that], but I can do [this]" and then ask how would that be as an alternative. Examples:

• I can't finish that report by Friday at 5pm, but I can have it on your desk by Monday at 9am. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't meet with you on Thursday, but I do have some time on Wednesday afternoon. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't finalize the details by noon, but I can let you know by then what remains to be done. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't deliver just 9 items without special approval, but I can expedite a full case of 12. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't complete all 3 of your requests by day's end, but I can do the one that's most important to you and finish up the others tomorrow. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

The thinking behind a counteroffer is that there's usually something you can propose that will satisfy the person making the request (and be much, much easier for you to provide), even though it's not exactly the same as what was originally requested. Notice that a counteroffer doesn't always mean 'less' or 'later'. Sometimes it really may be easier for you to meet a day earlier or provide even more than what was asked for. If that's so, make it part of your counteroffer and see how it flies. Maybe it won't, but maybe it will.

Notice, too, that a counteroffer is not necessarily a compromise. A compromise is about concessions, that is, giving up or giving in on what's really needed. A counteroffer, though, is a way of determining how else you might help a person get what he or she really DOES need with minimal stress and strain on your part. That you save all sorts of time, energy, and aggravation is just a pleasing byproduct.

So the next time you're asked to do something you really can't do without great inconvenience, don't just give in by saying 'yes' or get belligerent by saying 'no' - make a counteroffer instead. Tell the person what it is you CAN do for them and ask how that'd work for them instead? Chances are good they'll say 'yes' and, even if they don't, they'll probably be willing to accept another reasonable alternative.

4qtr2004 Feature Article: What's in an A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.?

I've come to realize something about myself - I really do like acronyms. They're really helpful in explaining/remembering things. In the article I just submitted to the ASTD - the American Society of Training and Development - I even included with a few choice new ones. ("ASTD", of course, is a special kind acronym, called an 'initialism', or an acronym formed from initial letters.) When the article is published, I'll be sure to put a link to it in my weblog.

Someone suggested that I should create an acronym for the word ... acronym. But in doing my research, I found that many have traveled this path before me, as the following sampling indicates:

• ACRONYM - A Clever Re-Organization Nudges Your Memory
• ACRONYM - A Concise Recollection of Nomenclature Yielding Mnemonics
• ACRONYM - A Cross Reference Of Notes Yielding Messages
• ACRONYM - Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning
• ACRONYM - Alphabetical Character Rendition Of a Name Yielding a Meaning
• ACRONYM - Alphabetically Coded Reminder of Names You Misremember
• ACRONYM - Alphanumeric Code for Remembering Odd Names You Make up
• ACRONYM - A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns Yielding Mnemonics
• ACRONYM - Abbreviation by CROpping Names that Yields Meaning

Yet in reading through these, I was inspired to still make one up myself that was more in the spirit of the Not Just Talk! heading, that is, getting more from your Untapped Potential. So here's what I came up with:

• ACRONYM - Anyone Can Retain what's Optimum in a New-York-Minute

So, as we're officially inside 4qrt2004, I invite you to focus on what it is that YOU want to retain by using this three-step process:

Step One - Remember

Looking back, ask yourself the following: What did you do that helped certain things turn out particularly well this year? What were your Lessons Learned from the things that didn't go as planned? Write down your answers - thoughtfully and honestly - even if it's only in note-form. If you do this, you'll find you've developed a fairly good roadmap for your future success - simply do MORE of what worked, and LESS or what didn't work. There's another critical step, though - one that most people forget to do. That's why there's more than just one step to this two-step process.

Step Two - Remember to Remember

It sounds redundant, but it's really not. And anyone who's ever been coached by me can attest to the importance of remembering what it is you want to remember. You see most people forget what they want to remember. That's why they end up making so many of the same mistakes over and over (and over) again. Vernon Sanders Law said, "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." The thing is, though, if you don't learn the lesson - and don't remember the lesson - there's no alternative but to re-test you! Over and over (and over) again. The choice is yours.

Step Three - Create your own Acronym

This is where you tie it all together. Pick a 3-, or 4-letter word that exemplifies what you hope to achieve and use its letters to form a reminder of what it is you want to remember to remember so that you can remember it. Something like R.E.A.L. (React Eagerly to All Learning), or T.R.Y. (Take Responsibility for Your actions), or H.O.S.T. (Help Others Succeed Today), etc. Get the idea?

Anyone really Can Retain what's Optimum in a New-York Minute. You just have to remember to remember the A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. for it!

3qtr2004 - Feature Article: Making More-Better Mistakes

Funny when you find things you didn't know you were looking for, isn't it? Well such was the case when I was at my dentist's office the other day. I was browsing through a magazine and came upon this interesting little blurb: "Computers crash by making mistakes. The brain learns by making mistakes." It's true, isn't it? Unlike computers, we DO learn by making mistakes.

I used to think that the way to learn was by doing things right. But over time I came to realize that all we really learn from that is that IF circumstances are exactly the same (which they rarely are) and IF we have exactly the same resources to put in play (which we rarely do) and IF we do things exactly the same way (which we rarely can), well maybe - and just maybe, mind you - we may be able to create the same results. Oh sure, you can do the easy stuff that way, but doing the easy stuff isn't really about learning as much as it's about confirming what you already learned.

Contrast all this to making mistakes. When you make a mistake, you know without a doubt that that way doesn't work! Make enough mistakes (assuming their different mistakes) and pretty soon you know enough about what NOT to do that you can't help but get things right! Back in my executive days I used to be responsible for interviewing and selecting new managers for hire. I'd tell them this: "I believe that in order to become a truly capable manager, you need to have made at least 1,000 mistakes. I'm looking for someone who's made a good 750 of them already, so tell me about some of your biggest screw-ups and what you learned from them." Let me tell you, I heard some wild stuff, but the Lessons Learned were what I was really after. And I heard some wonderful stories about people's personal and professional growth and development.

So how might we make better mistakes so to learn more, more quickly?

• Engage your Learner's Mind - Whenever you begin a project, take on a new responsibility, or just do something new, start by setting the intention of wanting to learn. Just by being open to the possibility of learning creates opportunities to learn. So get curious. Ask questions. Question assumptions. Think it through to the next level. Knowing that 3+2=5 is great, but what does 5 mean?
• Understand both the Absolute and Relative Value of Things - Say you've written an RFP for some equipment your need and you get a bid back from a single vendor. This gives you a price - and absolute value - but is it a reasonable price? You really don't know unless you get a few other vendors to bid on it as well because it's the relative value that tells the tale. So too with learning. We must calibrate our learning across both these dimensions to truly maximize its value.
• Don't Take Risks in a Vacuum - Trying new things, or familiar things in new ways, is a great way to make better mistakes. But oftentimes people affected by your mistakes aren't as pleased about it as you are! Part of their displeasure comes from the Surprise Factor - not knowing ahead of time what was likely to happen. So be sure to disclose the probability (possibility?) that a mistake is likely to BEFORE it actually does happen. Giving your boss, as example, a simple "heads up" is often the difference between a great conversation about strategy and its implications as compared to something far less enjoyable.
• Know What you Want to Know - Establish some learning goals for yourself and create opportunities to try on different approaches to learn them. Maybe you want to develop better relations with a customer. Identify a few different ways you could do that and try them out.
• Be Ready to Mop Up - Sometimes mistakes can get messy. And that can create all sorts of other problems for you to deal with. So as you begin to engage on a Learning Effort, consider what's likely to go wrong and, if it does, how you want to handle the clean-up phase that follows. Having a fall-back position will allow you to solve the problem you created, which is important. But being ready to mop up is more about knowing how you want to handle the impact your mistake had on others. A little forethought about this will go a long way toward remedying others' perceptions of what just happened.

3qtr2004 - Ask the Coach: Better Triage, Problem Solving, and Recovery

Question: Problems just seem to happen to me and when they do, I get totally derailed. The next thing I know it's several days later and while I may have solved that particular problem, I'm really behind in everything else. Any suggestions?

Answer: There are actually a few issues all bundled up inside this thing. First, there's the problem at hand, what to do about it, and how to get it done. Second, there's how long it takes to work through all of that and get back to the matters at hand. And third, there's all that other stuff that's still there waiting for you.

Typically when trouble strikes, we go into 'red alert' mode - it's a crisis, I've got to deal with it, and everything else has to take a back seat. Experience has shown, though, that there are different types of crises - BIG crises, medium crises, and itty-bitty crises. Sure, they all qualify for 'red alert' mode, but they do come is all sizes, shapes and varieties. And since all crises are not alike, an important first step is to assess just how big a particular situation really is. No need to use a bulldozer when a little trowel is all that's needed, right? So let's call step one "triage."

The second step is where you actually work to solve the problem, so we can call it "problem solving." There are two key questions to ask and the first one is obvious: "What needs to be done to make things right again?" But there's another one that deserves equal, if not more, attention and that is: "What needs to be put in place to insure (or decrease the probability) that this same problem will not occur again in the future?" If you've ever had a deja vu, this is why - you solved the problem before, but didn't put in place any mechanisms to prevent it from happening again. So it did! That being said, it's important you think through - and talk about with others - what to do before the next time to help prevent the next time.

Step Three is "recovery." Working on problems can be difficult and exhausting work, so it's only natural that we need time to cool-out or decompress before getting back into the swing of things. And this is where most people waste a LOT of time because even though the crisis is over, the emotional shock of it - and it is emotionally shocking - lingers on...and on...and on! But does it have to? Sure there's some recuperation needed, but often times that recuperation gets delayed because, quite frankly, we're not quite finished feeling sorry for ourselves. Well take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and realize that one of the single-most important indicators of our well-being - and success - is directly related to how well we recover. Think about a pit crew at a Nascar event. You want to talk pressure? You want to talk stress? They have to get in there, do whatever it is they need to do, and get the heck out of there A.S.A.P. So in a lot of ways, your ability to recover is a lot like what a pit crew does. See the connection? Get in there, do whatever it is you need to do to recover, and get the heck out of there A.S.A.P. so you can get back to all that other stuff that' waiting for you.

The more efficient you are at the recovery stage, the easier it will be to integrate whatever problems arise into your daily work. So take a few moments and think about what helps you recover. Think about what you want your pit crew to be ready to do. See the recovery from the crisis as important, if not more so, than working through the actual crisis itself - and challenge yourself to recover more and more quickly with each new situation that's given to you.

2qtr2004 - Smarter Networking: More Effective Follow-up

So that raise you got in January is long-forgotten, the bonus is long-spent, and you're back to thinking that there's GOT to be a better way to make a living. You've even started to network again - or at least started to think about networking again. But it takes so long, and it seems so hard. What is it, then, that successful networkers know that others don't? What is it that successful networkers do, that most people won't? The answer, which is surprisingly simple, is this: they follow-up effectively.

As example, do you know what most people do when someone gives them a contact or resource? Nothing. That's right, nothing. But have you ever stopped to think just how insulting that is to the people who are trying to help you? By not following through you are, in effect, telling your initial contact that you could care less about his or her help. And if you don't follow-up on someone's lead, how helpful do you think they'll be the next time you call? Successful networkers know that effective networking is about following up with people several times, not just calling several people once.

To that end, there are three levels of follow-up you should engage in. The first level might be called, 'simple gratitude.' This takes the form of a short email, handwritten note, or voice mail that simply says, "Thanks again, for your time and your insights; I'll let you know what I learn." Few people take the time to extend this courtesy, even though it's conspicuous by its absence.

The second level of follow-up could be called 'sharing the learning.' That's because it takes the form of a follow-up call or email that says something like, "I followed up with Mary and you're right, she's a great resource and really got me thinking. Can I run some of it by you?" or, "I did the research you suggested and I have a few follow-up questions for you. Can we talk for a few minutes?" The idea behind 'sharing the learning' is that people like to help people who find them helpful. So showing that you took their advice, did something with it, and now want to build on it even more, is very flattering. Yet even fewer people do this.

But all take and no give doesn't work for very long. So it's essential that you also provide 'reciprocating value' to the people in your network. Build these relationships by sending articles, assisting them in some tangible way, and/or calling them with relevant information. Show that you're actively looking for ways to help them with their issues on a regular and consistent basis. After all, isn't that what you hope they'll do for you? Therefore, the more you can model the behaviors you're looking for from them, the easier it will be for them to reciprocate in kind.

What happens next is up to you.

2qtr2004 - Ask the Coach: Better Networking

Question: I'm really shy so networking with other people is really difficult for me. Can you offer me any suggestions?

Answer: A colleague of mine, Donna Brown, likened networking interactions to back when we were young and we go over to someone's house, ring the bell, and ask if they could come out and play. But have you ever stopped to think how important it was that some kids didn't do that? After all, someone needed to be home to answer the doorbell when it rang! So as we fast-forward back to the present day, what could networking look like if our goal was not so much to ring other people's doorbells as much as it was to encourage others to ring ours?

The first thing that comes to mind is volunteerism. When we volunteer we naturally put ourselves in positions where other people want to talk with us. (Read: they come and ring our doorbell). This volunteerism can take a variety of forms, including joining a committee of some interesting charity or civic organization, joining a project team for some project at work, offering to help at the registration desk for some industry conference, taking on a leadership role in a customer/vendor task force, etc. These types of positions allow you to stay within your Comfort Zone and at the same time give others the opportunity to meet and interact with you. And if not, that's okay, too, because you're working on something that interests you anyway.

Try that the next time you're feeling that you need to amp up your networking and before you know it - Ding! Dong! Wanna come out and play?!

1qtr2004 - Feature Article: On Building Trust, Rapport, and Respect

Know this: Trust is EVERYTHING. A person who trusts you will work incredibly hard on your behalf. Conversely, a person who doesn't, won't. It's also important to understand that having organizational authority over someone is NOT the same as having them trust you - formal authority does not guarantee someone's trust in you. In fact, it often impedes the trust-building process.

People will usually comply with authority because the boss has the organizational power to take actions against them if they don't. But mere compliance is not trust because in the 'moments of truth' when people selectively choose whether or not to give you the benefit of the doubt, your ultimate success will be determined by how much they actually DO trust you.

So in very real terms, your trustworthiness will be put to the test - early and often. And it's a complex, and heavily layered test, at that:

• Trust is not just Credibility - You can be very credible, that is, have people believe your data is accurate and your information useful. And while it's important that you ARE credible, what you DO with the facts plays an even larger role in your trustworthiness.
• Trust is not just Responsiveness - Yes being responsive does help, but not if you're only providing meaningless, albeit timely, replies to the important questions being asked of you. Similarly, direct reports may jump through hoops for you, but if their motivation is based on fear, that's not trust either.
• Trust is not just Perceptions - Managing perceptions is about who you're trying to be and what you want others to believe you to already be. But Trust comes from people seeing you as you really are - especially when you don't know they're watching.

To further complicate things, not everyone defines trust the same way. So to better understand exactly what trust is about let's start by looking at some people you trust already. Pick five of them - choose a mix of direct reports, family members, vendor contacts, children, etc. Talk with each one and ask, among other things, the following questions:

• How do you define trust?
• How do you go about earning someone's trust?
• How do you decide if someone is trustworthy?
• How is trust lost?
• What happens when trust is lost?
• Who are some people you trust, and why?
• Who are some people who trust you, and why?

Now repeat the process with people you don't trust - not people you distrust, but people you don't know well enough yet to trust, or not - salespeople calling on you for the first or second time, someone you're sitting next to on a plane or at a dinner party; people like that. Ask a handful of them those same questions.

You'll be surprised how refreshing - and insightful - conversations like that can be. And you'll be well on your way to better understanding what Trust really means to others and, more even importantly, how you can best demonstrate your ongoing trustworthiness to the people you work with on an ongoing basis.