4tr2007 - Ask the Coach: A Whiter Shade of Pale

Question: Barry, I'm so frustrated. Try as I might to see things otherwise, I’m such a Black and White thinker. What can I do to open my eyes to other possibilities when problem-solving?

Answer: Here’s something that often helps the B&W types: Shades of grey!

Seriously, anyone who’s able to discern black from white, as you are, certainly understands that what they’re discerning from is actually shades of grey. If you allow yourself to play with that notion a bit you’ll soon likely notice that you already see other possibilities – you’re just discounting them a bit prematurely, that’s all.

A good question to ask is this: “Okay, I see the black and white of it all, but what are some of the grey tones I’m also seeing? “

Too, it’s often helpful to look at the whiter side of the spectrum. Did you know, for instance, that there are about a zillion shades in the white palette?! Here, courtesy of Benjamin Moore, (http://www.benjaminmoore.ca/colours/offwhite.aspx) is quite a few of them.

Of course the deeper issue has nothing to do with colors at all really – although a nice Bordeaux Red / Dill Weed Green combination is quite smart-looking for the coming cooler months! What’s really needed here is a way to expand your thinking in a way that encourages your creativity to kick in.

An approach that’s often helpful in getting things going is the pick-a-metaphor-and-go game. It works like this:

1. Close your eyes, take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
2. Open your eyes and allow them to settle on something/anything.
3. That something is the metaphor you can use to stimulate your creativity.

Example #1: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on your backyard. Stoke your creativity by asking some imaginative questions like theses:

• Thinking about that idea I’ve been struggling with, what part could clearly use a little more watering?!
• All things being equal, what parts need to be mown or trimmed a bit?!
• What would make my idea that much more lush and green?!

Example #2: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on your kitchen freezer. Stoke your creativity by asking some off-the-wall questions like theses:

• My current idea is too vanilla so what would adding a nice chocolate mocha fudge swirl do to it?!
• For that matter, what would turn the whole thing into a delicious banana split sundae?!
• And what little something extra could I add to my idea as a cherry on top?

Example #3: You open your eyes, look around, and find your gaze focusing on a yellow highlighter sitting on your desk. Stoke your creativity by asking some silly-little questions like theses:

• What parts of my idea do I want to particularly highlight for others?
• Given that the color yellow is sometimes associated with cowardice and other times associated with peace and happiness, what part of my idea makes me the most nervous, and what do I need to modify to make me happier with it?
• How might the impact of my idea change if I changed its color or some other physical attribute?

While the pick-a-metaphor-and-go game might not immediately provide you with the answers you’re looking for, it likely will bring a smile to your face, which is very helpful when trying to look at things in terms other than simple blacks and whites.

3qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: More Better Creativity

Question: Barry, I'm stuck. I want to be more creative in what I do, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Everything I come up with is, well, b-o-r-i-n-g. What am I doing wrong?

Answer: As counter-intuitive as it may seem, in situations like this, success often comes more from trying less, than from trying harder. And the best way that I've found to do that is to F-R-E-E Your Mind:

• F as in Forget - Sure you've got all sorts of pressures and deadlines you're worried about, but Step One is to let all that go and forget about it for a little while. Think of this step as clearing the canvas. Tabula rasa.
• R as in Remember - Now that you've cleared your mind, entertain a memory of a favorite noun (person, place, or thing) from your past. The farther back in time you go, the better - something from your innocent youth (your Wonder Years) would be ideal.
• E as in Enjoy - Spend a few moments enjoying your recollection, with all your senses. Remember what it looked like, sounded like, who was there. Remember the colors, textures, flavors, what it felt like. Remember it in as much detail as you possibly can and reconnect with some of that same child-like zeal you had way back when. Breathe in a few times. Good deep breaths. And big, full, exhales. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
• E as in Expand - Now from that relaxed and happy place, expand your thinking to the problem or issue you've been trying to get creative about. Ask your inner-child for some advice: What would he do? What does she suggest? Who else from your past would have some good, crazy, funny, absurd, ideas to share?! Your best friend? The kid next door? The neighbor's dog that loved barking at the mailman?! See what 'pops'; you may be pleasantly surprised.

When we connect back to our past, we F-R-E-E our minds from all the noise and static of today that keeps us from being our natural, creative, selves.

Hmmm. Makes me wonder. Whatever happened to my old buddy, Jimmy Sharkey? Jimmy, you out there?!

2qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: Better Decision Making

Question: Hey Beezee. Whenever I ask my friends, family, and colleagues for their suggestions as to how I should handle a given situation, I end up with so much conflicting advice that I'm even more confused than when I started. I think it's important to gather as much information before making important decisions. but this isn't working. What's a better way?

Answer: Good for you for recognizing that the approach you're taking isn't giving you the results you're looking for. As Albert Einstein said,

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Consider changing the type of information you're requesting - or the way that you're requesting it. It's likely that you're asking a "What do you think I should do?" type question, or some variation thereof. The problem with this approach, as you noted, is that it rarely leads to consensus or clarity - you just get a bunch of differing and often conflicting opinions to filter through.

Rather than finding out what others would do if they were you, use these interactions to get clearer on what you need for you to make the decision. In other words, focus on asking for the objective data do you need to help you decide.

Example: You want to buy a car. Rather than asking others, "What car do you think I should buy?", first ask yourself, "What would affect my decision one way or another?"

• price?
• safety?
• reliability?
• resale value?
• fuel efficiency?
• ??

List your criteria, whatever it may be. Then ask people specifically about those things: How much should I expect to pay for a good used car? How important are crash test results? Which cars does Consumer Reports rate highly from a reliability standpoint? At what point does it make sense to trade in one car for another one? What else is important in deciding on a car to buy? Answers to these types of questions are likely to inform rather than confuse you.

In review:

1. Decide what are the important elements for you to use as a basis for your decision.
2. Gather information with respect to those elements.
3. Create a short list of possible choices.
4. Evaluate each choice with respect to the decision elements you've chosen.
5. Decide.

By the way, a very helpful tool to assist you with this is a Decision Matrix.

And don't worry if it takes a while to gather the information you need to decide. As Einstein also said,

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

Hope this helps.

1qtr2007 - Ask the Coach: Better Sleep

Question: Hey Coach! Sometimes I just can't seem to fall asleep at night. I toss and turn and keep reviewing things over and over again. Not surprisingly, when I finally do fall asleep it's too little too late. Suggestions?

Answer: Some people can fall asleep at the drop of a hat; others need more time to settle down before settling in for the night. Here are some things you may want to try. While they all may not work for you, quite likely some combination will serve their purpose of getting you into Zzz land that much sooner:

Getting Ready for Bed:

1. Stop drinking caffeinated coffee and soft drinks progressively earlier in the day until you find the latest time in the day that they affect your sleep. For some people, that's 6pm; for others, though, it can be as early as 12 noon.
2. Set your alarm clock 3-7 minutes fast. This 'space time' will help you 'fool' your subconscious into thinking you'll be getting up later than you really will be, which will make it easier to relax when getting into bed. Which would you rather see: an alarm going off at 5:57am or one that goes off at 6:03am? It's not about the extra six minutes; it's about the calming perception of not having to get up at 5-something in the morning!
3. Establish a bedtime ritual. Maybe it's quietly reading for 30-minutes. Maybe it's listening to some soothing music. It might be taking a shower. It might even be writing out your plans or ideas for the next day so you don't have to worry you'll forget them before morning. The key is to make this end-of-day ritual a routine part of your day - like brushing your teeth or turning on your alarm clock.

Waking up in the Morning:

1. Regarding alarm clocks, stop using the snooze button. It's one of the worst add-ons to one of the best inventions ever. Consider: the purpose of an alarm clock is what? To wake you up. And the purpose of the snooze button is what? To not wake you up! Wanna sleep a bit later? Fine. Set the alarm clock to ring or buzz or radio or cd later. But get in the habit of getting out of bed as soon as the alarm clock goes off. Make it a rule you abide by.
2. As soon as the alarm clock goes off, sit up and put your two feet on the floor. Then take a few deep breaths - breathe in for a 3-count; breathe out for a 4-count - put a smile on your face, and stand up.
3. Reviewing a list of affirmations you've prepared or things you're grateful for helps get your day off to a great start, as well.

Waking up in the Middle of the Night:

1. Keep a cup of water on your nightstand so if you wake up in the middle of the night you can take a sip or two and go back to bed not feeling so parched.
2. Here's another back-to-sleep technique - a variant of counting sheep: take a virtual tour of a house or apartment you used to lived in. Imagine yourself walking room by room and 'see' as much detail as you possibly can.
3. Keep a note pad (and pen) on your nightstand (I use 3x5 note cards) so you can write down what's bothering you, knowing that you don't have to think about it anymore until morning, when you can remind yourself about it by reading your note(s).
4. Remind yourself that the purpose of sleep is to rest your body as well as you mind. So if you can't seem to turn off your brain, consciously focus it on helping your body get the rest it needs. Systematically tense and relax each part of your body. Let your body feel the rejuvenate effects of stillness. Imagine it smiling back at you in appreciation for helping it recharge this way.
5. If all else fails, get out of bed. Better to be up and about really early than tossing and turning all night. You might find it to be a particularly productive time for you. And, it's likely that you'll be plenty-tired the next night.

Other ideas? Surely there are. Ask around to find out what other techniques people use. And if you've got a good one, post it here for others to benefit from.

Good? G'nite, then.

3qtr2004 - Ask the Coach: Better Triage, Problem Solving, and Recovery

Question: Problems just seem to happen to me and when they do, I get totally derailed. The next thing I know it's several days later and while I may have solved that particular problem, I'm really behind in everything else. Any suggestions?

Answer: There are actually a few issues all bundled up inside this thing. First, there's the problem at hand, what to do about it, and how to get it done. Second, there's how long it takes to work through all of that and get back to the matters at hand. And third, there's all that other stuff that's still there waiting for you.

Typically when trouble strikes, we go into 'red alert' mode - it's a crisis, I've got to deal with it, and everything else has to take a back seat. Experience has shown, though, that there are different types of crises - BIG crises, medium crises, and itty-bitty crises. Sure, they all qualify for 'red alert' mode, but they do come is all sizes, shapes and varieties. And since all crises are not alike, an important first step is to assess just how big a particular situation really is. No need to use a bulldozer when a little trowel is all that's needed, right? So let's call step one "triage."

The second step is where you actually work to solve the problem, so we can call it "problem solving." There are two key questions to ask and the first one is obvious: "What needs to be done to make things right again?" But there's another one that deserves equal, if not more, attention and that is: "What needs to be put in place to insure (or decrease the probability) that this same problem will not occur again in the future?" If you've ever had a deja vu, this is why - you solved the problem before, but didn't put in place any mechanisms to prevent it from happening again. So it did! That being said, it's important you think through - and talk about with others - what to do before the next time to help prevent the next time.

Step Three is "recovery." Working on problems can be difficult and exhausting work, so it's only natural that we need time to cool-out or decompress before getting back into the swing of things. And this is where most people waste a LOT of time because even though the crisis is over, the emotional shock of it - and it is emotionally shocking - lingers on...and on...and on! But does it have to? Sure there's some recuperation needed, but often times that recuperation gets delayed because, quite frankly, we're not quite finished feeling sorry for ourselves. Well take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and realize that one of the single-most important indicators of our well-being - and success - is directly related to how well we recover. Think about a pit crew at a Nascar event. You want to talk pressure? You want to talk stress? They have to get in there, do whatever it is they need to do, and get the heck out of there A.S.A.P. So in a lot of ways, your ability to recover is a lot like what a pit crew does. See the connection? Get in there, do whatever it is you need to do to recover, and get the heck out of there A.S.A.P. so you can get back to all that other stuff that' waiting for you.

The more efficient you are at the recovery stage, the easier it will be to integrate whatever problems arise into your daily work. So take a few moments and think about what helps you recover. Think about what you want your pit crew to be ready to do. See the recovery from the crisis as important, if not more so, than working through the actual crisis itself - and challenge yourself to recover more and more quickly with each new situation that's given to you.

2qtr2004 - Ask the Coach: Better Networking

Question: I'm really shy so networking with other people is really difficult for me. Can you offer me any suggestions?

Answer: A colleague of mine, Donna Brown, likened networking interactions to back when we were young and we go over to someone's house, ring the bell, and ask if they could come out and play. But have you ever stopped to think how important it was that some kids didn't do that? After all, someone needed to be home to answer the doorbell when it rang! So as we fast-forward back to the present day, what could networking look like if our goal was not so much to ring other people's doorbells as much as it was to encourage others to ring ours?

The first thing that comes to mind is volunteerism. When we volunteer we naturally put ourselves in positions where other people want to talk with us. (Read: they come and ring our doorbell). This volunteerism can take a variety of forms, including joining a committee of some interesting charity or civic organization, joining a project team for some project at work, offering to help at the registration desk for some industry conference, taking on a leadership role in a customer/vendor task force, etc. These types of positions allow you to stay within your Comfort Zone and at the same time give others the opportunity to meet and interact with you. And if not, that's okay, too, because you're working on something that interests you anyway.

Try that the next time you're feeling that you need to amp up your networking and before you know it - Ding! Dong! Wanna come out and play?!

1qtr2004 - Ask the Coach: Better Un-Shyness

Question: I'm too much of an introvert. I know I need to network more, and interact with more people, but I'm just so shy. What can I do to become more outgoing?

Answer: You may not realize this, but only 5% of the population says they've never struggled with shyness. So don't feel like you're alone - the vast majority of people want to be more extroverted, too. And while you CAN be shy, my guess is you can also be incredibly outgoing, engaging, and enthusiastic, at times, too. It just depends on circumstances. Need proof? Just go ask some colleagues and/or friends what they think. Chances are good that they'll have plenty of examples of how you're anything but shy. Chances are good that this will be the easiest thing anyone asked them about in a very long time. You? Shy?!

We all have a tendency to make up rules about who we are and what we are (and are not) capable of. Sometimes the rules we make up, though, are very, very wrong or no longer serve us as they once did. So next time you're feeling shy, remember the times when you WEREN'T shy, and go be your outgoing, engaging, and enthusiastic self. Instead of labeling yourself as "usually shy", label yourself as "sometimes wonderfully outgoing and personable". You'll thank yourself for it. And who knows, in doing so, you might just inspire someone else to be a little more courageous that they thought they could be, too.

4qtr2003 - Ask the Coach: Better Employee Feedback

Question: I know that feedback is important for employees. How do you know how much feedback to provide?

Answer: What a great question! At its crux, it's a function of whether the message you intended to be received by an employee is the same as the message the employee actually received. Think about how you could determine that. How do you know that you know? Don't just rely on your 'gut instinct' to tell you - that's not a good litmus for these types of things. Try this instead - ask and then listen. "You know I'm not sure if I said that right," you could say, "What did it sound like I was saying?" It can be as simple as that!

I remember one time I met with an employee and thought my message was crisp, clear, and to the point. But when I checked in with him about it, he heard something entirely different! (I thought I was complimenting him; he thought I was nit-picking.) Another time I didn't even open my mouth before an employee said, "I know what you're going to say, Barry, so you don't have to say it." I didn't know if she did or didn't, though, so I asked her to explain it to me. She then proceeded, without hesitation, to explain EXACTLY what I was thinking, why it was important, and what changes to her behavior were warranted as a result. And she did it in a way that was far more articulate than anything I was planning on saying to her!

Bottom Line: You know when you know when they tell you so.

3qtr2003 - Ask the Coach: Better Vendor Management

Question: I can't seem to get my vendor contacts to help me when I really need them to. Can you offer any suggestions?

Answer: During my tenure in the wacky world of telecommunications, there were times when I really needed my vendor contacts to drop what they were doing and give me their full, undivided attention and assistance. It wasn't that I was some ego-crazed customer (well maybe it was!) just wanting to make someone jump through hoops for a laugh. No, there was a systems outage, or a service failure, or some major scheduling problem that needed IMMEDIATE attention, no ifs, ands, or buts.

The way I'd train my newer contacts was to ask them one simple question: "Is it that you don't WANT to help me or you don't know HOW to help me?" It was amazing how clarifying the question could be because, "If you don't WANT to help me," I'd continue in the most respectful of tones I could muster, "then get me your boss so I can get someone on this account who WILL. But if you don't know HOW to help me, then let's talk to your boss TOGETHER so we can get you the resources and support you need to clean this mess up ASAP." Interestingly, I only needed to use this approach one time per person, if that much. I think it helps when people know the choices.

2qtr2003 - Ask the Coach: Better Boss Relations

Question: I'm not getting along as well as I'd like to with my boss. Can you recommend something I can do to improve things?

Answer: When bosses are asked what bugs them most about their direct reports, the answer often has something to do with not being told what's going on. So I recommend that my clients adopt an 'Unsolicited Update' program whereby they consider what the boss would want to know about a current project and then update him/her accordingly BEFORE the boss even asks.

The benefits are threefold:

1. You're being proactive.
2. By anticipating what the boss would want to know, you're thinking more strategically about your work.
3. It eliminates the clutter, allowing you to utilize the time you DO spend with your boss more effectively.