2qtr2005 - Feature Article - Real v. Inferred Commitments

Some people complain because, well, they just like to. Any little thing will send them off in a rant about why this is unfair, that is not right, and everything else is just plain wrong. Complaining-for-the-sake-of-complaining (CFTSOC) has become an increasingly popular hobby for many, and an increasing irritant for those who have to listen to all that toxicity day-in/day-out.

CFTSOC aside, there are times when a complaint is perfectly justified. But complaining and complaining-so-that-something-good-happens-as-a-result-of-your-complaint are two very different things. So if you're finding that your complaints are falling on deaf ears, here are some tips on how to improve the how of how to complain:

Make sure a REAL commitment was broken.

Complaints result from broken commitments - you agreed to do something for me, you didn't do it, and now I'm complaining about it. But what most people don't realize is that there are two types of commitments - REAL commitments, and INFERRED commitments. When Mary tells Mark that he'll submit her report to him on Tuesday morning, that's a REAL commitment to submit her report to him on Tuesday morning. And if for whatever reason she does not submit her report to him on Tuesday morning, Mark has every right to complain to her about it. But consider this scenario:

Mary: I'll probably have my report completed before mid-week, Mark, and I can turn it in to you then.

Mark: Great! Because I need it by Tuesday morning.

Mary: Okay.

From this exchange, Mark has INFERRED that Mary will turn her report in to him on Tuesday morning. But did she actually commit to that? No. she hasn't. She simply said that she'll turn in her report when she completes it, which probably will be before mid-week. And she took Mark's, "Great!" to mean that he was okay with that. Her own "Okay" was meant to mean, "Okay I hear you and I'll try to finish it by then," but in no way meant "Okay, I'll be sure to get it done by then," as Mark inferred.

So, does Mark have grounds to complain if Mary doesn't submit her report on Tuesday? I don't think so. If Mark wants to complain about anything, it should be about him not getting a REAL commitment from Mary with respect to the Tuesday morning deliverable, and not about her not keeping a commitment she didn't make. And as for Mary, she knew she was being slippery, so if Mark makes a stink - even if it's for the wrong reason - she's not undeserving of it.

Complain about it effectively.

Why is it that so many people complain to everybody in the world with the exception of the one person who can actually do something about the complaint? Steve will go on and on to anyone who will listen about how his boss, Suzanne, has done him wrong, but he won't say word-one to her about what's wrong ... even when she asks him.

Most likely, it's because Steve doesn't know how to complain effectively. He'll say that it's because complaining doesn't help but, remind me, why then is he still complaining to everyone else about it?! So for Steve, and everyone like Steve, who can use a few helpful hints on how to effectively complain, here's how to do it:

1. Explain your complaint in terms of what REAL commitment was broken.
2. Obtain agreement that the REAL commitment was, in fact, broken. (If you can't get an agreement, it's probably because you didn't have a REAL commitment to begin with - only an INFERRED one, and INFERRED ones don't count because they're not REAL.)
3. State what you need/want to be made whole again and brainstorm alternatives that meaningfully address your complaint until you're sufficiently satisfied.
4. Create a REAL commitment around the agreed-upon solution, including timeframes.
5. Let go of any residual bad feelings around your complaint.

Getting commitments to keep commitments.

The saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So when you're interacting with someone who has a tendency to avoid making REAL commitments, or conveniently forgets the REAL commitments he or she makes, be smart about it. Make a point of confirming the commitment you're hearing to see if you've got it right. Ask if it is a REAL commitment that's being made to you, or not. The more overt you can make the commitment process, the more likely commitments made to you will be honored - and the more effective your complaints will be.