1qtr2005 - Feature Article - Yes, No, Counteroffer

A lot of people end up doing more than they really want simply because they don't know how to navigate through a potentially difficult conversation about it. As a result, they not only end up with more work to do, but they also tend to feel bad for not sticking up for themselves and angry at those around them. There's one key thing to remember, though. For any request that's made, you always have three possible responses: to say 'yes', to say 'no', or to make a counteroffer.

• Saying 'yes' - For many, this really is the only response they feel comfortable giving. And while it solves problems in the short-term (read: avoids confrontation), it often creates significant stress and strain later because there's that much more to do. That's not to say that 'yes' isn't sometimes a good answer. Many times you want to help AND are able to help. And helping others can be a great source of personal and professional satisfaction. But when a 'yes' starts creating more than you're ready for, it's important to know that you have other options.
• Saying 'no' - This response is often thought of as the option of last-resort. And rightfully so because it often leads to an argument of sorts. But there are times when a clear and firm 'no' is exactly what's needed: when someone asks you to betray a friendship, when someone asks you to do something unethical or illegal, as examples. What's important is that you get real clear about what lines you're just not willing to cross.
• Making a counteroffer - When saying 'yes' to someone else means saying 'no' to yourself, though, the counteroffer is clearly the option of choice. The process is simple, you simply begin by saying something to the effect of, "Well, I can't do [that], but I can do [this]" and then ask how would that be as an alternative. Examples:

• I can't finish that report by Friday at 5pm, but I can have it on your desk by Monday at 9am. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't meet with you on Thursday, but I do have some time on Wednesday afternoon. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't finalize the details by noon, but I can let you know by then what remains to be done. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't deliver just 9 items without special approval, but I can expedite a full case of 12. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

  I can't complete all 3 of your requests by day's end, but I can do the one that's most important to you and finish up the others tomorrow. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

The thinking behind a counteroffer is that there's usually something you can propose that will satisfy the person making the request (and be much, much easier for you to provide), even though it's not exactly the same as what was originally requested. Notice that a counteroffer doesn't always mean 'less' or 'later'. Sometimes it really may be easier for you to meet a day earlier or provide even more than what was asked for. If that's so, make it part of your counteroffer and see how it flies. Maybe it won't, but maybe it will.

Notice, too, that a counteroffer is not necessarily a compromise. A compromise is about concessions, that is, giving up or giving in on what's really needed. A counteroffer, though, is a way of determining how else you might help a person get what he or she really DOES need with minimal stress and strain on your part. That you save all sorts of time, energy, and aggravation is just a pleasing byproduct.

So the next time you're asked to do something you really can't do without great inconvenience, don't just give in by saying 'yes' or get belligerent by saying 'no' - make a counteroffer instead. Tell the person what it is you CAN do for them and ask how that'd work for them instead? Chances are good they'll say 'yes' and, even if they don't, they'll probably be willing to accept another reasonable alternative.